UPDF officer defends corporal punishment on citizens in a remarkable new chapter of government spin. Acting Defence Public Information Officer Col. Chris Magezi, a UPDF officer, has defended corporal punishment on citizens, offering Ugandans an explanation so astonishing. It is so much so that even satire has packed its bags and left the country.
Appearing on Next Radio, Magezi declared that Ugandans are “driven by emotions rather than logic.” This statement might be the most logical explanation so far. It explains why citizens insist on complaining when security forces descend on them with sticks like overzealous lumberjacks, as if defending corporal punishment is part of the officer’s perspective.
According to the Colonel, the outrage is misplaced. Why?
Because, wait for it… parents also beat their children, and some schools do the same.
Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, in the grand hierarchy of national logic, comparing state–issued, weapon–assisted beatings of adults to household discipline of toddlers is now a valid argument. This logic seems to resonate in a UPDF officer’s defense of such practices.
By this reasoning, Uganda may have discovered an entirely new branch of philosophy: Elastic Logic. In this, the state stretches reality so far that facts begin to look like comedy sketches.
So, the next time you see a citizen being chased down the street by a battalion of stick–swinging security personnel, do not — absolutely do not — react emotionally.
Instead, calmly whisper to yourself:
“Ah yes, this is just advanced parenting.”
One wonders what comes next. Perhaps government will compare tear gas to the onions your mother chopped in the kitchen. Maybe rubber bullets will be likened to the stones children accidentally step on while playing football. And who knows — one day we may be told that arresting political critics is simply the government practicing “time out.” All this as an officer might confidently defend corporal punishment as if it were parenting.
The Colonel’s logic is breathtaking not because of its depth but because of its gravity–defying leap into absurdity. It attempts to normalize state violence by leaning on the familiar, homely image of a parent disciplining a child. It suggests that citizens are naughty infants who simply need a good beating to understand democracy.
Ugandans, however, have not bought the analogy. They recognize the difference between a child being disciplined in a home and a fully grown adult being publicly assaulted by armed officers. Ironically, the salaries of these officers come from the pockets of the very people they’re beating.
In the end, Magezi’s message has achieved something extraordinary:
It has united the country — not in logic, as he hoped, but in laughter, disbelief, and a renewed appreciation for the creativity of official excuses. All while an officer defends actions that include corporal punishment as if it were justified.
Perhaps the real emotional reaction isn’t anger.
It’s amusement at how far leaders will go to justify the unjustifiable.
Because if beating citizens is just parenting, then Uganda must be the biggest nursery school in Africa. The state proudly plays the role of the strict, stick–loving guardian.
And that, dear readers, is what happens when logic takes a holiday.
